What a devastating couple of days! I spent my weekend with the delightful Tyler at her place, a great deal of time spent in heels and my feet are screaming in agony….so worth it. So then why would that be devastating you ask? My time with Tyler wasn’t devastating, never could be, I refer to Japan and other parts of the world with that statement. Everyone knows what happened recently, so I won’t go into details, I’ll just say this: my thoughts, my prayers and hopefully some of my money will be with all of those who were affected.
On a lighter note, Tyler and I have been having some thoughts and some plans leaning towards London lately. It’s a city we both love and have had thoughts of living in for as long as we can remember, we are now actively pursuing a way to make it happen. Obviously, there are countless schools I could go to and study theatre and there’s a place she can go to study makeup, we’ll have financial meetings in the fall in hopes that something can be arranged.
Filming. Mhm. It’s been an interesting project so far. Filming another one of my scenes this week, using my own makeup (how dreadful!) while Tyler’s in Boston. I’ll look like a two dollar whore or something, but my face will only be on screen for about two seconds, so I guess who really cares, right? Oh wait, I do. I ran out of any good expensive makeup I own ages ago because I’m poor and I’ve been using cheap stuff, Tyler’s got the good stuff, lol. Ah well, I suppose we’ll muddle through somehow.
I am, however, rather excited for this coming saturday. My mom and some of her friends who I am very fond of are coming up to the city for lunch; then Kayla is coming down from Moncton for dinner and a play at the Imperial. Delightful! That’s all that’s really new for now, I’ll try and blog more faithfully!
I haven’t been blogging nearly as often as I should. I apologize for that. It seems that lately, because of everything that’s happened, I’ve been slowly losing my mind, or something along those equally crazy sounding lines. Instead of falling apart, I’ve opted to lose myself in books, in a way to escape ( as the title of today’s post suggests).
I’ve been checking countless books out of the library, this has helped to feed the huge Leo Tolstoy phase that I’ve been going through. I find his writing so…seductive. And it’s not that there’s really anything particularly sexy about the storylines, it’s just the way it all comes together. It’s amazing. So I’ve currently got about eighty books on the go, and all of them quite different from one another. Bronte, Tolstoy, Ewan McGregor (which I talked about in my last post, for those of you keeping track), books on theatre, Dickens, etc. It’s a hell of a time, reading what all these great minds have to offer.
And so as I sit here with my coffee, reading ‘The Professor’ by Charlotte Bronte; I can’t help but feel somewhat neglectful of you: My readers. However few you may be, I’d like to think I help take your mind of your hectic days with my blog posts, by giving you a window into my world and my thoughts. I apologize in advance to those that find me irritating, but the only thing I can tell those people is that there’s an x in the corner for them to use at their leisure.
In the interest of keeping with the theme of the title here, it is not only emotional escape my brain has been plotting. I love it here, I really do, people have helped me out a lot more than they should and I’m grateful. But I need to leave soon. And I’m not saying it out of any kind of “superiority” about being better than this place, because that’s not it at all. I think my need to leave is more out of fear than anything else, a fear that I’ll get too comfortable here and never want to leave. I’m safe here, I’m surrounded by people that care about me and whom I care about in return. But is it enough? Is it enough to sustain me for the rest of my life if it were here? Or am I better off leaving and visiting these wonderful people as often as I can? Questions and thoughts, bouncing around in my head, day in and day out.
But for now, this is my life, and it will be until I decide otherwise. So here I sit with my coffee, texting Tyler, just like all of my other days. And for now, it makes me feel content.
For the past few years, I have been maddeningly obsessed with these projects. In 2004, Ewan McGregor and Charley Boorman got an idea and took on a massive project. They decided to go on a motorcycle trip..around the world. Starting in London and ending in New York — going through Europe, Ukraine, Kazakhstan, Mongolia, Russia, Alaska, Canada and America. They filmed the entire experience for a BBC documentary and they also wrote a book detailing the journey, both with the title ‘Long Way Round’. Now I have never been into motorcycles or bikes of any kind, but I am into travel and all of the things these men hope to accomplish. So naturally when, in 2007, they got the idea to do another one…how could I resist? I now own both books and the next step is to get my hands on the documentaries. In the newer book (2007), which I just bought a few weeks ago, they are traveling from John O’Groats Scotland —through France, Italy, Egypt, etc — all the way down to Cape Agulhas in South Africa. A journey that totals up to 15,000 miles!
This one is titled ‘Long Way Down’ and is just as fascinating, if not more so. The rigorous training they went through to be able to survive in some of these places, they underwent hypothetical scenarios that blew my mind. In ‘Long Way Down’, the main focus is UNICEF. Ewan McGregor, being a goodwill ambassador for UNICEF wanted to include the work in the trip. Trips like this are always a great insight into how people of different cultures and areas live and if they are struggling, it shows us how we can help them.
"We wanted to show a wide range of what UNICEF is doing. So we visited three different projects, two in Northern Ethiopia, where there’s been a number of conflicts over the years. There’s been a great deal of landmines laid there over the years, and sadly, many children have been killed because of them. We went to Gulu, in the North of Uganda. There we met children who had been abducted as young as six or seven and, in some cases, forced to become child soldiers in rebel armies, even being forced to go back to their old villages and kill everyone there, so that they are caught off from their past completely. The third visit, in Malawi, I went back and was lucky enough to see some of the community-based child centres that UNICEF had helped set up; these places allow children who have been orphaned or affected by HIV and AIDS find the care that they need. For both of us, it’s the incredible, tireless work of UNICEF’s local staff on the ground, working to give children the care and support they need to survive. Crossing Africa, we realized th enormity of what UNICEF has set out to do. We want people to help UNICEF and give something — however much it is — to help make the world a better place for every child. We’ve seen what a difference it can make." — Ewan McGregor & Charley Boorman
'Long Way Down' also raises money and awareness for the Children's Hospice Association of Scotland, which is a Scottish charity that provides the only hospice services in Scotland for children with life-shortening conditions.
These projects and the goals they’re reaching for are so incredibly important. It’s something that needs everyone’s help desperately, and any help people can give is great, the help it gives is amazing. With countless celebrities and people all over the world giving time and money, all of these causes are growing in awareness, as I stated earlier, I myself have a growing obsession for projects like this and the people involved. That’s all for now!
“He wanted to recover something, some idea of himself perhaps, that had gone into loving Daisy. His life had been confused and disordered since then, but if he could once return to a certain starting place and go over it all slowly, he could find out what that thing was.”— The Great Gatsby
It’s a blizzard outside today, the roads are a mess. Logan, Molly and myself lived like children of the 90s yesterday — it gave me flashbacks to my childhood. We played in the snow and then when we came in we ate popcorn and watched a Disney vhs! And today we are right back to 2011, as Logan plays the wii, I blog and Molly plays with her Leapster. Madness.
Tyler comes over today to help me choose an outfit for my scene tomorrow night, I guess that means I should really get on that pile of laundry that’s building up. Ah, it’ll keep. Today is very blah. Which is odd, considering it isn’t that different from my other days, and even still, I just feel super bored. Like I should be doing something and I’m not.
I almost never have things to blog about, if anyone actually reads this, I apologize for how boring it must come across as. I currently have what seems like eight million books on the go, mostly because I can never decide what to read. Classics, biographies, spy novels…such variety…and yet here I sit…blogging instead.
Well, so far 2011 has been a real drag. The year kicked off with a friend I’ve known my entire life and care for deeply, being killed in a car crash. And now, there’s just this constant ache with me, I know he would want me to smile about him. I do smile, I smile more than I cry, just like he would have wanted. But I do cry. I hurt over this, it’s devastating. It’s hard to believe that he’s never coming back. I miss him so much. It gets a little easier every day, the ache is there and I think it always will be, but it is getting easier, even if it is only a little.
On another note, I found out last week that due to waiting on reference letters from people, I missed the application deadline for school. So, no matter how disappointed I was, a new plan was needed, so I made one. I plan on moving out of Maggie and Adam’s and finding a job that pays more. My friend Gillian and I will then find an apartment and live there awhile. I’ll apply to school next year.
I shoot my scenes for the movie this Friday, and to say that I’m a tad nervous would be the understatement of the century. They’ve all been filming for weeks and I’ve had a table read and a rehearsal. The bar is set high and the pressure’s on.
So, after a whirlwind week in Montreal, I’m still more confused than ever. I liked the school, but still can’t help but wonder if I’m at all prepared for university. I’ve come to realize how safe I feel in Saint John, I’m never afraid there. Montreal, on the other hand… well God only knows. I’m facing one of the biggest decisions I’ve ever had to face in choosing whether to stay or to go. ‘There’s a boat, I could sail away. There’s the sky, I could catch a plane. There’s a train, there’s the tracks. I could leave and I could choose to not come back..’ It’s recently been brought to my attention that I have spent my life in a bubble. And so it all comes down to one thought, am I ready to leave the familiarity of the bubble for the things I’ve dreamed about my whole life? While the answer seems simple in print, it is much harder in reality.
..moving in circles, running with so little time. [Montreal, Blue Rodeo]
Well loyal followers, here we are on day two in Montreal. So far I’ve seen the new Narnia film, gotten frostbite, thrown away my favorite pair of boots, rode the metro (subway for some of you), seen an amazing giant Christmas tree and stood where The Beatles once played. I can only imagine what the rest of the week will bring.
Tomorrow’s adventures will include; a trip to a potential school (www.concordia.ca), seeing the childhood home of Christopher Plummer (I hope) and dinner with my good friend Scott. Scott is here this week (the same week as I) on business. How ironic that we have to both leave the province to finally make plans with one another.
And as to whether or not Montreal is winning its trial run; well only time will tell. I’ve never been more confused than I am about this city, a part of me is thrilled to my fingertips about it and another part of me just wants to run back to Saint John and the familiarity that I find there. It’s funny, isn’t it? I wanted out so badly and now I’m out for a bit and I’m so confused as to whether or not I want to stay gone. With Saint John, it took me three months before I could leave my apartment without getting lost, and they don’t even HAVE a metro. Christ, and here I would be going to school so I would just be thrown into the middle of it; like when they teach someone to swim against their will by practically drowning them.
Alas, who knows. Maybe my big sister will help me. And that’s the other thing, am I really ready to give up Maggie who is, for all intents and purposes, my other half.. for a sister who hasn’t known me for the past eight years. I guess we’ll find out..
So, here it is: while most people choose to relax on their weekends (or any other days they may have off), I seem to instead choose to go into overdrive. It’s absolute madness, I go from zero to sixty throughout the week and then when the weekend comes around, I go from sixty to one hundred. Madness, I say!
So this is my birthday week and I have so much to do. I’ve got to learn my lines for the ‘Calling’ rehearsal (last one before shooting), I’ve got to purchase last minute items needed for my trip, I’ve got to pack for said trip, I’ve got to squeeze in time with friends and family that I have kind of abandoned recently and last but not least…I have to celebrate my birthday.
I mean let’s face it, turning 19 is kind of a big deal, right? And not just because of the legal age to do everything part of it, it’s just kind of a big deal. I mean, this is kind of it..this is my last year (officially) as a teenager. After this one number (19), I close an entire (super long) chapter in my life. And I don’t care what people say, that freaks me out.
Also, I’ve gone all week without my dear, dear friend. I feel worried about her lately, which is so outside of my normal pattern. Normally I wouldn’t care, I think even she finds it weird that I’m worried. I wasn’t worried at first, but, it seems to be getting worse. Maybe she’ll come around this week (if she comes back that is), we’ll watch some Waltons and it’ll be fine. We do love that John-Boy. Mhm. <3
On another note, my insomnia comes back full force this week and has barely let me sleep at all. And can I just tell you all that running on zero sleep and caffeine and pills thrown together just to keep you functioning, is probably not the best way to start shooting a film, nor is it the greatest way to go on vacation I’d imagine.
Ah well, it’ll all work out, as things have a nasty habit of doing so.
“To the end of my days, I shall be grateful for that curious link with the past, to that other universe of grace and values — and to my quaint old family, for if there is the merest smidgeon of decency in me at all, it came from them, and without doubt, though they never would have guessed it, they gave me my imagination.”— Christopher Plummer [In Spite of Myself, A Memoir]
So, today I began mentally sorting through all of my possessions for when I actually pack to go to Montreal. I don’t leave until the 11th, but I figure given how forgetful I am, it couldn’t hurt to get an early start on things. My sister has started a countdown until the day I leave, she’s really excited to be able to spend time with me; and strangely enough I’m excited to spend time with her too. While it’s true we’ve drifted over the years, we both find ourselves with a sense of longing almost, a willingness to want to be close again. As a child, I idolized her. Then she stopped coming around and years passed, now I’m an adult and we can have things in common again.
In other news, one of my nearest and dearest may be moving away from our less than stellar city, all the way back to St George. Words cannot express just how depressed the both of us are feeling about this turn of events. In a rather foolish way we’ve come to depend on one another; a strange twist in the story of our lives, given how generally unattached we normally are. But dependent and about to be ripped away from one another we seem to be. Not that I’m sorry to have her around, because in all truthfulness, she saved me from myself; and so I’m grateful to have her be apart of my life and actually adore me as much as I adore her.
And in other news, I must lose weight. Because as much as I love myself, I do not love these extra twenty pounds that have decided to befriend me when I wasn’t looking. All of my clothes are starting to fit crazy weird and I can’t afford to buy new ones; so lose the weight I shall do! I make it sound so easy to drop twenty pounds, and it should be, especially for someone whose had an eating disorder in the past. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.
And in the interest of keeping you posted; the table read for ‘Calling’ on Sunday night was, to put it simply, amazing! I laughed my ass off for a majority of the script, which I’m taking to be a good sign. We start shooting really soon, (another great reason to drop some weight), and I am completely jazzed about it!
Right, terribly sorry that I’ve dropped off the face of the planet the past little while. It’s been months since my last post, so just to catch everyone up on what’s new…
I’ve spent the past few months working as a live in nanny for my sister’s kids. I did it as a plan to save up money, a plan that so far has been less than successful, because I’m just dreadful with money. But things are quickly changing in that regard, (I hope). I’ve become pretty good friends with someone lately, I think we both stumbled upon each other at just the right time in our lives; call it providence if you will.
I auditioned for a small role in a small film this month and I actually got the part! I couldn’t believe it, I got the call about it, hung up and screamed and cried and then went into a total state of shock; I think I’m still there. It seems like a pretty funny movie from what I’ve seen and that’s all that I’m permitted to say about it, due to confidential purposes. Final table read this weekend and then we start shooting! You can bet that I’ll be driving everyone around me absolutely mad with posts about it on here, facebook and twitter too.
Also, I’m planning a trip to Montreal for a week or so in December. I couldn’t be more excited about it. I get to see a wonderful city that I’ve never seen before and I get to see my sister! While there I’m looking at a school (fingers crossed), seeing The Nutcracker (so excited, it’s my favorite!) and just having a grand time with it. Although I am a tad nervous, I’m taking the bus there. It’s the first time I’ve ever really traveled on my own; I keep thinking about that poor guy who fell asleep on a bus and got his head chopped off by the crazy sitting next to him, but that’s probably really rare….right?
So that’s what’s new as of late, I promise to be a more faithful blogger.
She slipped into the back of a cab and muttered the address to the driver, an address that was still a foreign phrase coming past her lips. She didn’t know what to make of this new arrangement, didn’t know how to feel about it. She knew she had no choice, and that was the problem with it. She didn’t like feeling trapped into doing things, she wanted to make her own decisions in her own time, her own rules and her own mistakes. And while this new situation was one both familiar and comfortable, she knew that it was just a means to an end, knew deep down that she was biding her time and saving her dimes until she could get out.
The moment came when I was sitting at a table, drinking coffee and staring out the window. I could call it an epiphany, had I come to any real conclusions. Instead I will call it what it was, a feeling, so simple, just a feeling. But to me, that feeling means more than anyone can possibly imagine. It’s a good feeling and I’m content with it..for now. Yes, for now this feeling is enough.
I stood quietly while watching a storm roll in, and as I stood, I thought. Thought about my childhood, my parents, my mother and how she raised me so differently from how she was raised, and how thankful I am for that. I thought about the role my mother has played, a role that I had seen my sisters slowly fall into, a role that I could never be molded into fitting. I thought about life in the city and how easily I had fallen into the chaotic routine of it, and what a strange feeling that is.
The city entered her like music, a wild symphony. Her heart burned with the adventures, the friends, the food, the drink, the multiplicity of event the city promised. People came here to be bad. People came here to do the things they couldn’t do at home. Smoke cigarettes. Have sex. Make their way in the world. It was starting to feel familiar to her, it was beginning to feel like a new kind of home, different from the one she’d left behind at seventeen. She liked it here. Liked who she was here, who she had turned into. How terrifying.
I miss you, so much, that at times it hurts to think of you. It seems like it’s been ages, so very long since I last saw you. I close my eyes and can still see your smile, still feel your hand on my leg, your voice in my ear. I’m not sure what to do with myself, really. In the time that I’ve known you, I’ve grown rather accustomed with going through my day to day routine almost completely numb. So accustomed, in fact, that I’m not quite sure I really know what emotions are anymore. Also terrifying.
I enjoy taking walks uptown, overcast is the nicest weather for it. If I do have the ability to feel emotion anymore, it would be easiest to find it here. Among the historic buildings and the worn and crumbled gravestones, I find a sense of calm that washes over me, and for a moment, just a moment, it is easy to imagine being almost happy again. There are some people in my life that claim to be envious at how well put together I seem, but it isn’t that I’m well put together, I’ve just gotten better at fooling people, tricking them into seeing what I want them to see and nothing more or less.
And it is at night, when I am finally alone like this, that all of my thoughts come pouring out. By the end of the day I can no longer hold them in, for fear of drowning in them if I did so. I’ve discovered that when I speak thoughts such as these, they are met with strange looks. And so I write. And my thoughts keep coming. Seemingly with no end in sight. And this too terrifies me.
auf wiedersehen, xx
Ok, so I know it’s been ages since I’ve posted anything, and for my oh so few fans..I apologize. I do have an excuse though, and that is fear. I’ve finally been coming to terms with who I’ve turned into over the past year or two, the new me that until now I’ve been afraid to face. I’ve denied that I’ve changed, but I admit now that I have. I’m admitting that I’m completely terrified and overwhelmed by everything, but I am ready to face it all now. I realize that things have changed, I’m no longer that awkward sixteen-year-old that I once was…and now that I’ve faced it, I need other people in my life to as well.
I’ve made bad choices, but they were right for me at the time. In fact, if I could go back in time I would make all of the same choices. I’ve been described recently as someone who used to be very confident but over the past few weeks hasn’t been. So, I’ve decided to be that confident again and to set my mind on what I want and go for it. In light of this inspiration, I recently walked away from someone who has been a part of my life since I was that awkward sixteen-year-old. I walked away when I realized that sometimes…well sometimes love isn’t enough of a reason to stay where you aren’t wanted.
Anyway, that’s me for now. Still unemployed and still struggling with my ever-changing identity. I’ll post more soon.
"I guess higher education doesn’t always mean smarter choices."
“Sometimes I wonder if anything’s absolute anymore. Is There Still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable,left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we’re forced to bend the truth, transform it, cause we’re faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.”— Lucas
Addiction — you don’t realize it’s happening. It’s all so quick. All you care about is that rush that it brings you. It starts out innocent enough, one pill, and you think it’s no big deal. It makes you feel great and then it wears off and you feel emptier than when you started.
Addiction — you don’t realize you may have a problem until you’re trying to open the bottle with shaking hands. That’s when it hits you. uh-oh.
Addiction — I just wanted to stay awake and be thinner. I didn’t mean to let it spiral into this.
I woke up this morning with an ache in my soul. A hunger for something I can’t begin to understand. I have hopes, when for the longest time I had none. I once heard that you make plans, and then something unthinkable happens and your plans disappear. You just focus on getting from sunup to sundown and you stop making plans, because one day at a time is as far into the future as you can handle. But now, I’m beginning to have plans again.
I have this uncontrollable need to feel alive again. To take joy from the simplest things again. I long to be that happy, carefree girl I once was. Some days when I look in the mirror I wonder who this girl is, and I wonder what my old self would say to her. I have lived through bad choices and I have lived through the bad choices of others. And I truly believe that I am a stronger person because of bad choices, it’s made me a survivor.
The past year has given me new perspective. I have this raw need inside of me, and for the first time in what feels like forever, I’m breathing.
"You were like coming up for air. It’s like I was drowning and you saved me. That’s all I know."
So, I’ve decided to blog about this issue because I don’t want to talk about it and acknowledge it all out loud. Although, I’m not all that fond of spreading my personal drama on the internet. But hey, if you can’t write it in your blog, then where can you?
It has been brought to my attention recently that I have changed. So I’m going to explain why, because the person that pointed it out is currently becoming a blogger and will see this shortly.
If it seems that I have changed, it is only because I am struggling to recognize myself again. Two years ago, I met someone. And I thought it was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. And so, I made the tragic mistake, ya know that one that so many people make when they’re young, I gave him everything. It came in bits and pieces, but it was all of me. And now, he’s gone, and I realize that I left myself very little to work with by giving this man everything.
Two years ago, I thought this man an angel. I thought he could do no wrong. Every time he left me, he would come back and I would forgive him. The reason, quite simple, I loved him. I loved him more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone. And even though it’s over now, I would do it all again.
That man is still my angel. He made me strong. He taught me things. A new way to see the world, to know that it is possible to survive. So I will put myself back together again and I will find someone and be happy. It still hurts, but I’m glad for the chance to always have him in my memory.
Nowadays he seems to be more of a fallen angel then the man I remember. He’s making choices that can really only end badly. But honestly, given my current lifestyle, who am I to judge? He was my angel, and in a way I think I was his. We saved each other, and now life is harder because we’re apart. If he reads this, which I’m sure Q will make sure of for me, I want him to know that I’ll always care and that I don’t ever want to have to watch my angel get put in the ground. That is something I would not be able to come back from.
I’m sorry that this was a borderline depressing post.
So these days my life is pretty boring to be blogging about, but blog I shall do anyway. Just after Christmas I quit my job, with no back up job to speak of. I got a callback to go for testing at a pretty decent call center last week, so only time will tell. Fingers crossed!
I’ve recently applied for university. I could not be more overwhelmingly terrified. So now begins the long, dreaded wait for that letter. Checking the mail everyday like a maniac, hoping that something has magically appeared in your mailbox since the last time you had checked half an hour before.
My main fear is this: what if I’m not good at university? But I have decided that I’ll never know until I try. So whether I become ridiculously successful or I crash and burn, at least I’ll know I gave it my all.
That’s all for now, I’ll keep my oh so faithful one follower posted! c:
As odd as it seems to say that it’s 2010, I have decided to embrace it. I have come to the decision to try my hardest to learn from my mistakes of this past year, and then move on and forget that 2009 ever happened. And because I am convinced that I must share my random thoughts with the world this year, I let one of my friends talk me into blogging. Thanks for that, Die.