Dazed and Confucius

I got into school. I start in September. I have never been more overwhelmingly terrified. That is all.

Good night and good luck!

Addiction —  you don’t realize it’s happening. It’s all so quick. All you care about is that rush that it brings you. It starts out innocent enough, one pill, and you think it’s no big deal. It makes you feel great and then it wears off and you feel emptier than when you started.

Addiction — you don’t realize you may have a problem until you’re trying to open the bottle with shaking hands. That’s when it hits you. uh-oh.

Addiction — I just wanted to stay awake and be thinner. I didn’t mean to let it spiral into this.

Addiction — it’s too sweet to stop.

I woke up this morning with an ache in my soul. A hunger for something I can’t begin to understand. I have hopes, when for the longest time I had none. I once heard that you make plans, and then something unthinkable happens and your plans disappear. You just focus on getting from sunup to sundown and you stop making plans, because one day at a time is as far into the future as you can handle. But now, I’m beginning to have plans again.

I have this uncontrollable need to feel alive again. To take joy from the simplest things again. I long to be that happy, carefree girl I once was. Some days when I look in the mirror I wonder who this girl is, and I wonder what my old self would say to her. I have lived through bad choices and I have lived through the bad choices of others. And I truly believe that I am a stronger person because of bad choices, it’s made me a survivor.

The past year has given me new perspective. I have this raw need inside of me, and for the first time in what feels like forever, I’m breathing.

“You were like coming up for air. It’s like I was drowning and you saved me. That’s all I know.”

So, I’ve decided to blog about this issue because I don’t want to talk about it and acknowledge it all out loud. Although, I’m not all that fond of spreading my personal drama on the internet. But hey, if you can’t write it in your blog, then where can you?

It has been brought to my attention recently that I have changed. So I’m going to explain why, because the person that pointed it out is currently becoming a blogger and will see this shortly.

If it seems that I have changed, it is only because I am struggling to recognize myself again. Two years ago, I met someone. And I thought it was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. And so, I made the tragic mistake, ya know that one that so many people make when they’re young, I gave him everything. It came in bits and pieces, but it was all of me. And now, he’s gone, and I realize that I left myself very little to work with by giving this man everything.

Two years ago, I thought this man an angel. I thought he could do no wrong. Every time he left me, he would come back and I would forgive him. The reason, quite simple, I loved him. I loved him more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone. And even though it’s over now, I would do it all again.

That man is still my angel. He made me strong. He taught me things. A new way to see the world, to know that it is possible to survive. So I will put myself back together again and I will find someone and be happy. It still hurts, but I’m glad for the chance to always have him in my memory.

Nowadays he seems to be more of a fallen angel then the man I remember. He’s making choices that can really only end badly. But honestly, given my current lifestyle, who am I to judge? He was my angel, and in a way I think I was his. We saved each other, and now life is harder because we’re apart. If he reads this, which I’m sure Q will make sure of for me, I want him to know that I’ll always care and that I don’t ever want to have to watch my angel get put in the ground. That is something I would not be able to come back from.

I’m sorry that this was a borderline depressing post.

Auf Weidershen

-Ali Dawn

So these days my life is pretty boring to be blogging about, but blog I shall do anyway. Just after Christmas I quit my job, with no back up job to speak of. I got a callback to go for testing at a pretty decent call center last week, so only time will tell. Fingers crossed!

I’ve recently applied for university. I could not be more overwhelmingly terrified. So now begins the long, dreaded wait for that letter. Checking the mail everyday like a maniac, hoping that something has magically appeared in your mailbox since the last time you had checked half an hour before.

My main fear is this: what if I’m not good at university? But I have decided that I’ll never know until I try. So whether I become ridiculously successful or I crash and burn, at least I’ll know I gave it my all.

That’s all for now, I’ll keep my oh so faithful one follower posted! c:

Auf weidershen

-Ali Dawn

As odd as it seems to say that it’s 2010, I have decided to embrace it. I have come to the decision to try my hardest to learn from my mistakes of this past year, and then move on and forget that 2009 ever happened. And because I am convinced that I must share my random thoughts with the world this year, I let one of my friends talk me into blogging. Thanks for that, Die.